Nothing hurts more...
I have been brought back to the time when I thought my world was going end. I stopped eating. I stopped believing. I stopped being focused on myself. The underlying sentiments start boiling over the top of the very hot pot and you begin to scream. You begin to realize that what you thought in the back of your head was something you should've been listening to all along. You have the fear that if you did listen to that voice, you would be brought down without a fight. So you keep pushing forward to something that really isn't there. Why? Because nothing hurts more than learning the truth about somebody. It hurts to realize that even if you never wanted to face it, it hurts a million times more after the fact. My heart starts beating so fast and then there is the constant pain of loss. Loss of a loved one that has been lifted into paradise, loss of a piece of yourself.
You move through the days without knowing when one moment ends and another begins. You spend most of your time in bed. Sleeping on and off but not comfortably. Your eyes are red constantly, and your clothes are the same as they've been for a few days. Nothing hurts more when you are convinced this is it, the end. No point in breathing anymore because your heart is bleeding out. The pain is so intense that you actually can feel your chest caving in. No heart left to feel, no room for someone to break it. My thought process was distorted, like I had been drugged. I had no concept of what was real and what was my mind saying to make me even more crazy. I hoped that the time would end when I would feel like myself again, but it seemed to never stop. I had people telling me that it was going to be ok, it will pass. I didn't believe them. I really thought my life would be just best lying in this bed, crying all day and night long until the pain would subside. Thus it was done. I didn't eat for weeks and just watched shows that would make me laugh out loud, but this time there were no laughs laughing. I was a stone face, nothing seemed funny. Nothing had meaning. My writing was my only voice of reason that got me through understanding the lesson I must take away from this hole in my heart. I kept writing and writing until it was an endless battle. My writing didn't help me recover. I went in circles with my writing. Writing the same words over and over again. My task was to silence the voice, the evil voice in my head and start repairing my heart. Put it back where it belongs, I remember saying to myself. My heart beats a bit slower now, but with each palpitation I feel more pain. 'I think it is starting to heal'. Not sure though since I still don't believe this pain. I don't believe a body can feel something so potent. But yet it is true. The pain isn't a lie. It is the truth.
I want it to stop. Let it stop. I feel your pain and I am sooooo sorry for you. I cry and I cry knowing that that was me just a few years ago.
You move through the days without knowing when one moment ends and another begins. You spend most of your time in bed. Sleeping on and off but not comfortably. Your eyes are red constantly, and your clothes are the same as they've been for a few days. Nothing hurts more when you are convinced this is it, the end. No point in breathing anymore because your heart is bleeding out. The pain is so intense that you actually can feel your chest caving in. No heart left to feel, no room for someone to break it. My thought process was distorted, like I had been drugged. I had no concept of what was real and what was my mind saying to make me even more crazy. I hoped that the time would end when I would feel like myself again, but it seemed to never stop. I had people telling me that it was going to be ok, it will pass. I didn't believe them. I really thought my life would be just best lying in this bed, crying all day and night long until the pain would subside. Thus it was done. I didn't eat for weeks and just watched shows that would make me laugh out loud, but this time there were no laughs laughing. I was a stone face, nothing seemed funny. Nothing had meaning. My writing was my only voice of reason that got me through understanding the lesson I must take away from this hole in my heart. I kept writing and writing until it was an endless battle. My writing didn't help me recover. I went in circles with my writing. Writing the same words over and over again. My task was to silence the voice, the evil voice in my head and start repairing my heart. Put it back where it belongs, I remember saying to myself. My heart beats a bit slower now, but with each palpitation I feel more pain. 'I think it is starting to heal'. Not sure though since I still don't believe this pain. I don't believe a body can feel something so potent. But yet it is true. The pain isn't a lie. It is the truth.
I want it to stop. Let it stop. I feel your pain and I am sooooo sorry for you. I cry and I cry knowing that that was me just a few years ago.
Hello Katie .. this is a very sad post
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I know, I am feeling for a member of my family. This too shall pass.
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Hi Katie, your words really resounded with me. I too have been in this dark place, and I know that though it seemed endless at the time, it made me stronger. I am sending some light out into the universe for your relative.
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Stella I appreciate your kind words. Usually I am a bit more upbeat on my blog, alas we can't all be happy every day. Thank you for your thoughts!
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